I miss you every day. 5,000 miles away and I smell you every time the air moves. Soft hair and beautiful brown skin, you amaze me with your smile. You leave others in awe of your beauty. Your presence sets the world ablaze and I love it. I love you. More than you could ever imagine. I risk losing you to borders and conventions. I risk losing you to those with ill intentions. I risk losing you to spite and bad decisions. And I miss you.

So I'm not the best at what I am to you but, you didn't come with a handbook. I met you as a child and you catapulted me into adulthood. Thank you. I may have never made it here without you. I've made mistakes in my life and continue to in yours. I'm sorry but, you have to know I've always loved you. I'm always thinking of you. And even still, I miss you. My heart cries what my eyes can't because I still have to live, without you. My soul bends like my knees can't because I still have to stand, without you. It's hard but, I have to. For you. For all that you will become. And then some.

I can't imagine what you will transform into. I can't even pretend to begin to. I know that with or without me you will be great but, I need you. You inspire me. You light a fire in me and even while you're gone the pilot is still on but, it's never as bright as with you. You are and forever will be my energy. You are the desire in me to be a part of society. To change it so it accepts people like you and me. Already I know you're different, it's in our family. You alone have sprouted from my little tree. I want more than anything to protect you from me but, I still miss you. I'll die trying to protect you from what you shouldn't be, but just for right now, I only want to kiss you.

I simply want to hold you, to hear your sweet laugh. To watch you and admire you and play with you in the grass. So far away, no matter what, you're growing too fast. And I'm MISSING IT, all the while still missing you. My heart aches in passing, your admirers ask "Where is she, your angel?" and I try not to gasp. Because sooner or later, another will pass, and again and again til they're moving to fast, and one of these days I just know that I'll crash, 'cuz I miss you.

I try looking at pictures but, it hurts even worse. With you in the womb I knew that was the curse, that my heart would forever be putting you first. Now for yours, my own soul has an un-quenching thirst. And I never  have doubted, from your moment of birth, that I'd lay down my life just to stop you from hurt. I will slay the first person who forgets of your worth. You're the queen of my love, I'm forever your serf.... Each day I hope you know, that I miss you.

My thoughts continue to explore the limits set by my civilized Western authority. The realms you tell yourself not to broach, I live in them daily. I live on the outskirts of sanity, reaching, grasping for a way to make them ok....But I know they aren't. That's why we leave them in the dark. That's why we shield our mind's eyes from these concepts like a mother shields her young children from a gory horror scene. We all have terrible thoughts we try to steer clear of... The difference is, these days I don't try. These days, instead of running from it, I want to explore the secrets of the dark. Of course, I'm terrified, but by this, all the more intrigued.



Those borders of sexuality our churches tell us not to defy, I embrace them passionately. These states of substance unreality, I make my new reality. Those levels of intimacy, of real human emotion, of uncertain caring and expectant probing,  I explore regularly with strangers. I am in DANGER OF LOSING MY MIND! But somehow I am loving it. I am hating it. It's destroying me. It's abhorring me. I am losing my definition of self and concurrently creating a new one. One I like. One I don't. And I am thrilled at the new human I am becoming.

Feeling as if I need a release. My world is crashing down around me and I can't find the door to run from it. It must be left somewhere in the rubble. So long I've felt as if I am living according to someone else's standard of "normal" and "right." Now, in trying to define my own normal, I have destroyed so much of what I've worked for. My mind won't process limits appropriately. So easily has this function become second nature that now I'm hard pressed to figure out what is good and evil, what matters, what doesn't, what to regard as serious, and what I should simply dismiss.... As an artist, it's all but too easy to dismiss all other opinions as futile and without significance. As a mother and friend...... Not so much. As a functioning member of society, I feel I have become a terrible disappointment. As a free thinker, I feel I am breaking so many bounds and excelling past comprehensible judgement, with societal scorn being of little more gravity than motivation. (Gotta love those haters....) I am searching for balance..... I need to balance my energy... But in what direction do I start?

I am living in a perpetual state of introspection and instead of better centering myself, I feel I am growing ever-more self centered. I think daily of myself and my actions and what they will mean to others. Wondering what my effects on others will be.... Wondering how to make the next best decision... But I somehow keep ignoring EVERYONE around me. I don't understand. Even if all I do in a single day is reflect, I can't figure out how to foresee the effects of a bad decision that I myself am making. Lately, the universe has been warning me of perspective. What does that word mean? The world from other eyes? How can I know of every perspective? There goes that word BALANCE again. How do I balance making myself progress and still considering the energies of others. How do I create more gravity on my planet without bumping into the other surrounding galaxies, throwing them off their own courses?? Sometimes the energy on my planet is so great that I throw other planets out of alignment without understanding the subsequent effects. And there are, of course, always effects.

Some days I truly hate the person I have become. Society tells me I should. Other days, I love myself. The universe (God, human nature, whatever) says I should. All I really want is balance between the two..... I'm searching for balance. Without it, right now my brain is over compensating for what my heart yearns to express, release, re-invent, and explode with.

That's all for now.