Feeling as if I need a release. My world is crashing down around me and I can't find the door to run from it. It must be left somewhere in the rubble. So long I've felt as if I am living according to someone else's standard of "normal" and "right." Now, in trying to define my own normal, I have destroyed so much of what I've worked for. My mind won't process limits appropriately. So easily has this function become second nature that now I'm hard pressed to figure out what is good and evil, what matters, what doesn't, what to regard as serious, and what I should simply dismiss.... As an artist, it's all but too easy to dismiss all other opinions as futile and without significance. As a mother and friend...... Not so much. As a functioning member of society, I feel I have become a terrible disappointment. As a free thinker, I feel I am breaking so many bounds and excelling past comprehensible judgement, with societal scorn being of little more gravity than motivation. (Gotta love those haters....) I am searching for balance..... I need to balance my energy... But in what direction do I start?

I am living in a perpetual state of introspection and instead of better centering myself, I feel I am growing ever-more self centered. I think daily of myself and my actions and what they will mean to others. Wondering what my effects on others will be.... Wondering how to make the next best decision... But I somehow keep ignoring EVERYONE around me. I don't understand. Even if all I do in a single day is reflect, I can't figure out how to foresee the effects of a bad decision that I myself am making. Lately, the universe has been warning me of perspective. What does that word mean? The world from other eyes? How can I know of every perspective? There goes that word BALANCE again. How do I balance making myself progress and still considering the energies of others. How do I create more gravity on my planet without bumping into the other surrounding galaxies, throwing them off their own courses?? Sometimes the energy on my planet is so great that I throw other planets out of alignment without understanding the subsequent effects. And there are, of course, always effects.

Some days I truly hate the person I have become. Society tells me I should. Other days, I love myself. The universe (God, human nature, whatever) says I should. All I really want is balance between the two..... I'm searching for balance. Without it, right now my brain is over compensating for what my heart yearns to express, release, re-invent, and explode with.

That's all for now.